Less Lisa

Hmmm…seeing’s how things were so stressful just a handful of days ago, this site has been neglected as to my weight. 

So, you ask, IS there any news?  Uh, nope. 

You can see the changes here I’m sure in design.  I’m still learning the whole WordPress thing, so bear with me, as there may be a different layout each time you visit until I find one that makes me feel ‘comfortable’.  You know, you have been to those sites where you literally can’t visit there one more second because it’s either really *blinkie* or just another version of the author’s junk drawer at home.  Either way, until I feel content, I will probably be switching themes till I’m happy. 

That is, if I could STOP GETTING ERRORS from WordPress when I try and change them!!! 

Alright.  That is all.  I will post more weight loss stuff hopefully next post.  Till then, bear with my boring life antics.

Man what a long day. 

We got Clint to the hospital @ 12:45 p.m.  His colonoscopy was scheduled for 1:45 p.m. ’cept for the doctor was 2-1/2 hours behind schedule.  Clint never got taken back until 3:45.  He was back to me, still sound asleep from the anesthesia, at 4:20. 

About an hour later, he was still really groggy and the Dr. came in to talk to us.  Clint is perfectly healthy!!  There is NO cancer.  I can’t even tell you how LOUDLY I thanked God right then and there and cried.  This was such an emotional day and I just couldn’t take one more second.  That was the hugest relief of my life.

Because of the original cancer diagnosis, the doctor when through his entire large AND small intestine as well.  There were some swollen lymph nodes in the small intestine, so he did remove those and sent them out for a biopsy just to be sure, but he said that those being swollen are perfectly normal in young people.  He also had bloodwork done, because there is stil some concern over Crohn’s Disease…we won’t know the results of either test for 2 more weeks.

All I know is that I have my husband healthy.  I explained to Abbie tonight, first that Daddy is FINE…they met him at the door (after screaming through the window when they saw us pull in the driveway, and hugged him so tightly.  I did tell Abbie why I’ve been so worried and explained the scare of cancer…her first reaction???  “It sure was a good thing I prayed so hard for daddy, wasn’t it???”  Clint and I both got a bit teary…Clint must have told her 10 times tonight ‘thank you for all of the prayers!  It worked!!’….what better way to show a child what God can do?  Nothing better than having her daddy healthy.

Thank you ALL for all of the thoughts and prayers…I truly believe in my heart that they worked…here’s a man that was so sick just 3 weeks ago and all of these ‘what ifs’ swirling around him, and he himself preparing to hear the worst and making sure that we were going to be taken care of ‘just in case’…to now just being goofy from the anesthesia…besides being blessed with our daughters, it’s the BEST answered prayer ever, I swear.

The day has finally come…Clint’s colonoscopy is tomorrow.  This post may seem a little negative, but I truly just need to get all of these thoughts out of my head…once they are here, it’s usually a little less on my mind.

I’m full of all of so many emotions, that I can’t distinquish which one is prevailing at this point.  Anger? Scared shitless??  Hopeful??  Who knows.

I have the minimal faith that the hospital that did the CT scan last month has screwed up once again and is saying cancer to yet another patient, when there is nothing there…for this hospital, it wouldn’t be the first time.  I’m praying that they wrote ‘colon cancer’ on Clint’s chart by accident and it was really meant for someone else that has been an unbelieveably horrible person and deserves such a hellish diagnosis a million times more than my husband does.

But, I do have the utmost faith in God himself, who will, no matter what the outcome of tomorrow, will pull us through everything that is possibly about to be thrown at us, or bless us in the most beautiful way and bring my husband through this procedure with a clean bill of health.

One last plea to each of you to please send prayers and postive thoughts for my dear man.  After the initial shock of the first diagnosis, we have done everything we could this past month to keep a positive happy face.  We have avoided the topic.  Today I think it’s getting to both of us.  Clint mentioned to me earlier that no matter what kind of news we get tomorrow, we need to come home, put on our happy faces one more time and get Abbie’s homework and reading out of the way before we discuss anything with the girls. 

PLEASE pray for us that we do not have to give our daughters ANY kind of devasating news…PLEASE pray to God that we will NOT have to imagine our lives without daddy…PLEASE pray that all of this worry was for nothing and that God has answered our prayers and Clint is as healthy as ever.

PLEASE just pray.

Weekends suck when you diet.  I blew it this weekend.  My own doings.

Remember that jinx I thought I removed from myself after the last post?  Must’a not.

Anyways, bad weekend full of good food and friends has me feeling bloated and blah today, but I’ve packed my Special K breakfast, and got myself a huge salad with Chick peas and slivered almonds and FF dressing for lunch and a banana for a snack, and I’m good to go and back on track.

Weekends are so hard.  WHY?  I have self-control (or so I thought)…I seem to do so much better during the week when I have a schedule…work keeps me busy so I don’t have a problem there, but when I’m home all day on weekends, it’s tough…even though I worked my butt off in the house this weekend, I doubt it counteracted the food.

Just have to step up workouts this week and hope for the best next weekend.  We’re having a fancy tea party for the girls’ birthday party on Saturday, so I will be able to figure my calories before hand and behave myself. 

At least it’s not taking me weeks at a time to get back on track anymore…I have found the control to jump back on when I should…which actually should have been 2 days ago, but hey…today’s pretty good

I’m working on the site, so for right now, all you can probably view are the entries…I’ll have the links working as soon as I can!! 

I have set up a new re-direct to automatically take you from https://lesslisa.com to https://lesslisa.com/wp if you can update your bookmarks, please do, otherwise, I have the redirect set up permanently, so no worries.  Just hit ‘refresh’ if you still see my old site. 

Until I typed that heading, I didn’t realize how great that is…I have been perfectly on track for 6…SIX…this many: IIIIII….days!!!  How awesome is that?!?!?  I feel amazing.  I have not once this past (almost) week had that ‘my stomach feels like it weighs 20 lbs. more than the food I just consumed’ kinda blah feeling.  I love it.  I feel light, my rings are spinning on my finger once again…

I have not and will not attempt the scale.  I’m focusing on my clothes.  The next time I want to step on a scale is when the pants I’m wearing right now (which are baggy, btw) absolutely do not fit me.  I’m judging my BODY not my weight.  After having the scale be AWOL for quite some time (and no, I haven’t had Clint even bring it out ONCE) I do believe I have broken my addiction.  I worry that when I see that scale again, that all of those warm, compulsive feelings will come rushing back, but I do believe I will be able to handle it. 

I don’t crave it anymore…I know that I’m not happy with my results yet, so I know it’s not time to stop yet.  Simple as that.  I’m no longer judging myself on a number.  It took me YEARS to get to that place and that kind of thinking and it’s a huge step that I, for now, am feeling really good about.  Now to work on the self-esteem / self-worth issues and I just may be a pretty happy girl! 

I have learned many things about myself this past week.  I have had one amazing e-mail discussion with Stephanie this past week (THANK YOU STEPHANIE) and realized I’m NOT alone.  I realized that if I think that SHE is worth all of the work and effort she puts into her weight loss, why don’t I think I’M worth it?  I’m working on that answer, but I have a feeling that it will eventually come to me.

It’s funny to me how other people perceive me.  I was talking to my cousin and she was telling me about a guy that she likes, but he’s not confident enough and it’s kind of a turn-off.  After we talked about it, I said to her (in a joking manner of course) “I’m not a confident person, you don’t love me???”…she told me that I don’t come off as not being confident at all…Guess I hide it well, huh?  I think my sense of humor gets me through alot of that.  As much as I feel as though I’m outgoing, that doesn’t mean to me that I’m confident.  The entire time I will be talking to someone, I can hear ‘me’ in the back of my head worrying that my shirt has come up too far and someone may be able to see my belly, or that someone behind me is probably talking to their friends about how big they think my butt is…guess I’m my own worst critic.

To sum up all of this…I’m doing really well…I feel better…I’m still a project in progress, and making the best of it.  Maybe today just feels like a positive day and maybe I will see things completely different tomorrow.  Today?  I’m running with it!

Wanted to add:  My average daily calorie intake these past 6 days so far is 962.  There were only two days where I got 1200 calories in…this is all before exercise…so I need to get a bit more calories in, but I’m creating a nice calorie deficit at this point

It’s late.  I’m tired.  But I had the urge to post.  I have just completed day 4 of tracking my calories.  I feel rejuvinated.  I feel focused.  I feel success coming once again. 

!#$@#%% REMOVING JINX I JUST PUT ON MYSELF #%@$%@#$%@#$%

Tonight as I replayed The Biggest Loser on the DVR I feel the motivation again.  I have to keep myself surrounded with weight loss…with motivation…with inspiration.  When the show was over, I looked at the clock…10:50 p.m.  I unconsciously let out this huge sigh of relief, and the reason?  I had just realized I made it through one more tough day of keeping my calories in check.  One more day of success. 

I succeeded…one more day.  What more could I ask of myself?

Alrighty.  Where do I start.  First, Clint is feeling better.  The pain in his right side has subsided.  That’s a positive thing.  We’re still praying for no cancer, but we won’t know for sure until October 5th.  Just over a week more.  Foods don’t seem to be bothering him at this point which is nice.  And the flu that hit him is gone as well.  I dont’ even think I wrote about that, but long story short, as soon as the medicines he was taking that were making him horribly sick were gone, the flu hit him.  Poor man…he’s so skinny right now.  But we’re staying positive and hoping for the best possible outcome next Thursday.

So, me.  I’m not so good to myself.  As Elizabeth told me, typical mom and wife, everyone else is my main focus before myself.  And it’s the complete truth.  I have, however, begun counting my calories.  There’s a new system huh?  I truthfully have never, in all the time I have worked to lose weight, just simply counted calories.  I have tried different diets, formulas, etc. and never once tried something as simple as counting my calories. 

Thing is, it must work.  When you figure calculations on how much you need to exercise to lose weight, it’s factored on how many calories you take in VS. how many you burn.  Makes sense, so I’m running with it.  I have put *some* focus on me and started thinking of myself just a teensy bit throughout the day to make myself feel worth the effort.

I don’t feel worth the effort and I’m trying hard to change that.  I don’t think I give myself enough credit and I’m trying to change that also.  Thing is, I don’t know how to like myself without feeling as though it’s conceit.  I want to feel confident, but I don’t want to be (no offense to anyone reading this) one of the flirty cutesy girls.  That’s just not me.  I’m not a ‘draw attention to me, please’ kinda people and I’m scared crapless that when the weight comes off even more than it already has, and I have confidence in myself (man would that be wonderful and odd all at once) attention might be drawn to me.  And that statement in itself says ‘conceit’ to me…I don’t know how to balance it all while still thinking that I’m worth it all. 

It’s so easy for me to tell other people that they are SO worth all of what they put into something, and it’s totally unheard of for me to believe it when I hear it from someone else.  Like the latest before/during pictures that I posted.  I STILL do not believe that the difference is that tremendous.  What’s in my head is, ‘yeah, in the picture it seems like there’s a major change, but it must just be a decent picture, because in real-life the change is NOT that great’…

I swear I’m gonna end up a skeleton with skin and still think, ‘Crap I’ve lost all but my bones, and it’s still not enough…I still see the fat and flaws’…How do you heal yourself mentally???

Yesterday I mentioned how he and I both felt so ‘calm’ on Tuesday.  Yesterday, early on, pretty much the same.  There were a bit of nerves but more just anxious to get him to the Dr. and see what he had to say.  Here’s the deal (so far)…

Seems in his ER report of the CT scan results, they listed ‘Cancer’ pretty clearly.  Thing is, things just don’t add up.  First, he DOES have a ‘little’ diverticulitis on his left side, but not enough to concern us or to have symptoms like he does.  Second, the right side where all of his pain is, is definitely NOT diverticulitis.  The Dr. said that most of the upper colon is inflamed and he’s very unsure of what would be causing this. 

What I didn’t want to mention early on, was the mention to us of Cancer.  The ER dr. told us that is what they are fearing at this point.  Clint’s Dr. last night said, and I quote ‘Something doesn’t smell right’…yes, Clint showered before he went in.  What he meant was, Clint is only 32 years old.  He’s a VERY healthy man.  He doesn’t smoke, only drinks socially (we’re talking less than once a month) he’s not overweight, he’s not sedentary in any sense of the word…it just doesn’t add up.  I realize that doesn’t mean it’s impossible for there to be cancer in such a young healthy man, but at this point, his Dr. doesn’t want to buy that diagnosis.  Our next step right now is the colonoscopy and we have to wait to hear from the Dr. that will perform that to find out when it’s scheduled for.

One other thing that the Dr. mentioned last night was Clint’s liver.  When we were at the ER they told us there were ’spots’ on his colon that showed on the CT scan.  Now his Dr. yesterday told us there were spots on his liver.  ER never ONCE mentioned Clint’s liver.  So there’s another thing we’re unsure of.

I didn’t go with Clint to the Dr. yesterday, and I feel like the ‘mom’ in me is taking over and I want to call his Dr. office and make sure they put an ‘URGENT’ on his colonoscopy (or ‘Ass-camera’ as my brother lovingly refers to it…HA).  But that just makes Clint nervous and the last thing he needs is a nagging wife making us look crazy to the Dr. office…oh well.  So for now, I’m trying to be rational, and patient. 

In between bouts of sobbing, I am trying to remain calm and strong, and keep all of this from the girls until we know for sure.  Abbie knows what cancer is and what it can do.  Not something I even want to burden her mind with until we know for sure what’s going on.  I just keep reminding her and Megan everyday to keep daddy in their prayers for him to get healthy and strong again.

I’m sorry these past few entries are not the norm, but like I said before, there’s nothing right now that we can do except pray, and what better way to get more and more prayers for my special man, than to put it out here…Thank you all for that.

Clint’s Dr. appt. is tonight at 4:15 p.m.  I will update any further news after that, but I wanted to send out a huge thank you to every single one of you who said a prayer or even just thought about us.

Monday was hell…I had a horrible day even trying to concentrate at work.  Both of the girls were here with me, and Abbie, my oldest, has always had this ‘thing’ about her.  She knows things…she senses things…since she could talk it’s happened.  We haven’t said a thing to her about Clint except for the infection he’s got in his colon at this point.  She was standing by me on Monday and goes ‘I feel like God’s trying to tell me something…like something’s not right’…and I lost it all over again. 

Jump to yesterday and Clint and I both had this complete sense of ‘calm’.  What a switch from Monday.  It’s strange, but a total and complete feeling of calm.  I know it’s from the prayers and I just have this positive feeling now that it’s all going to be ok. 

So I thank you all once again for the prayers and thoughts, as they truly are working!  I will update more later when and if we know more.