Less Lisa

Alrighty.  Where do I start.  First, Clint is feeling better.  The pain in his right side has subsided.  That’s a positive thing.  We’re still praying for no cancer, but we won’t know for sure until October 5th.  Just over a week more.  Foods don’t seem to be bothering him at this point which is nice.  And the flu that hit him is gone as well.  I dont’ even think I wrote about that, but long story short, as soon as the medicines he was taking that were making him horribly sick were gone, the flu hit him.  Poor man…he’s so skinny right now.  But we’re staying positive and hoping for the best possible outcome next Thursday.

So, me.  I’m not so good to myself.  As Elizabeth told me, typical mom and wife, everyone else is my main focus before myself.  And it’s the complete truth.  I have, however, begun counting my calories.  There’s a new system huh?  I truthfully have never, in all the time I have worked to lose weight, just simply counted calories.  I have tried different diets, formulas, etc. and never once tried something as simple as counting my calories. 

Thing is, it must work.  When you figure calculations on how much you need to exercise to lose weight, it’s factored on how many calories you take in VS. how many you burn.  Makes sense, so I’m running with it.  I have put *some* focus on me and started thinking of myself just a teensy bit throughout the day to make myself feel worth the effort.

I don’t feel worth the effort and I’m trying hard to change that.  I don’t think I give myself enough credit and I’m trying to change that also.  Thing is, I don’t know how to like myself without feeling as though it’s conceit.  I want to feel confident, but I don’t want to be (no offense to anyone reading this) one of the flirty cutesy girls.  That’s just not me.  I’m not a ‘draw attention to me, please’ kinda people and I’m scared crapless that when the weight comes off even more than it already has, and I have confidence in myself (man would that be wonderful and odd all at once) attention might be drawn to me.  And that statement in itself says ‘conceit’ to me…I don’t know how to balance it all while still thinking that I’m worth it all. 

It’s so easy for me to tell other people that they are SO worth all of what they put into something, and it’s totally unheard of for me to believe it when I hear it from someone else.  Like the latest before/during pictures that I posted.  I STILL do not believe that the difference is that tremendous.  What’s in my head is, ‘yeah, in the picture it seems like there’s a major change, but it must just be a decent picture, because in real-life the change is NOT that great’…

I swear I’m gonna end up a skeleton with skin and still think, ‘Crap I’ve lost all but my bones, and it’s still not enough…I still see the fat and flaws’…How do you heal yourself mentally???