Switching my focus
Alrighty. Where do I start. First, Clint is feeling better. The pain in his right side has subsided. That’s a positive thing. We’re still praying for no cancer, but we won’t know for sure until October 5th. Just over a week more. Foods don’t seem to be bothering him at this point which is nice. And the flu that hit him is gone as well. I dont’ even think I wrote about that, but long story short, as soon as the medicines he was taking that were making him horribly sick were gone, the flu hit him. Poor man…he’s so skinny right now. But we’re staying positive and hoping for the best possible outcome next Thursday.
So, me. I’m not so good to myself. As Elizabeth told me, typical mom and wife, everyone else is my main focus before myself. And it’s the complete truth. I have, however, begun counting my calories. There’s a new system huh? I truthfully have never, in all the time I have worked to lose weight, just simply counted calories. I have tried different diets, formulas, etc. and never once tried something as simple as counting my calories.
Thing is, it must work. When you figure calculations on how much you need to exercise to lose weight, it’s factored on how many calories you take in VS. how many you burn. Makes sense, so I’m running with it. I have put *some* focus on me and started thinking of myself just a teensy bit throughout the day to make myself feel worth the effort.
I don’t feel worth the effort and I’m trying hard to change that. I don’t think I give myself enough credit and I’m trying to change that also. Thing is, I don’t know how to like myself without feeling as though it’s conceit. I want to feel confident, but I don’t want to be (no offense to anyone reading this) one of the flirty cutesy girls. That’s just not me. I’m not a ‘draw attention to me, please’ kinda people and I’m scared crapless that when the weight comes off even more than it already has, and I have confidence in myself (man would that be wonderful and odd all at once) attention might be drawn to me. And that statement in itself says ‘conceit’ to me…I don’t know how to balance it all while still thinking that I’m worth it all.
It’s so easy for me to tell other people that they are SO worth all of what they put into something, and it’s totally unheard of for me to believe it when I hear it from someone else. Like the latest before/during pictures that I posted. I STILL do not believe that the difference is that tremendous. What’s in my head is, ‘yeah, in the picture it seems like there’s a major change, but it must just be a decent picture, because in real-life the change is NOT that great’…
I swear I’m gonna end up a skeleton with skin and still think, ‘Crap I’ve lost all but my bones, and it’s still not enough…I still see the fat and flaws’…How do you heal yourself mentally???
I am so glad that Clint isn’t in pain physically right now. That must be a great relief to you and him. I know that mentally you are both still feeling this though. You are all still in my prayers and will continue to be no matter what the outcome.
I can identify with you when you talk about being scared of the attention you may get when you achieve your goal. It is so scarey for me to not have the focus on my children and husband. I can handle that but, when it comes my way I am petrified of it. I am down to 256 from 297 and people are starting to make postitive comments and it just kills me to accept a compliment. I have the urge to say “yeah but, I am SO far from looking even remotely good.” I always seem to put myself down in my head. I wonder if there is a magic “self worth” pill at the end of this weight loss journey, should I ever reach it. I know that I shouldn’t put so much value on what I look like, I feel concieted thinking like that. I have never been the focus of attention and when people notice me even for postitive things I just freeze. I want to be inconspicuous and blend in. Right now I feel as if I don’t because I am too fat but, that may be all in my head. I know I hold myself back because I am scared of rejection. I tell myself that it is because of my weight, “oh they won’t like you because you are so gross” but, what happens if I lose the weight and I can’t blame it anymore? I think everyone goes through this to a degree but, some of us get so good at it that it becomes a buffer from life in a way. Don’t feel alone in this, I am right there with you and so are many, many others.
Stay strong and take care of yourself as much as you can.
You already know I can relate to the internal dialogue issue. It’s hard feeling like you’re not worth the effort. And, no matter how many of us tell you that you are, I know it won’t change a thing about how you’re thinking. In fact, when people tell me I’m worth it, I feel like “oh great, I was just fishing for compliments so they gave them to me and now I look like a total attention-ho.” Sometimes, it’s better to just wish you tons of big hugs and tell you that I’m here… I understand… and I adore you. I definitely believe in you. I haven’t had the luxury of meeting you in person yet but I can FEEL that you’re a good person, a good mom, and an incredibly caring wife. If you’re not worth believing in, no one is. I hope you know I’m here and I’m always willing to listen. My prayers are sent out for October 5th to be a good day! xoxo
Hi Lisa — it’s been too long since i visited your beautiful site. I remember how neat it was when i first found it a couple of years ago … and it’s even nicer now! Prayers for Clint — and for YOU. You are beautiful inside and out. Your pictures are so impressive. It’s always easier to care more about others than ourselves. It’s as familiar and comfortable as a plate of rocky road brownies to think “who, me?” I just want you to know I’m thinking about you — and will get on your website again soon. God bless you. Love, Carolyn at MyWeightLossFriend.com
hi there so glad you are coping ok… and heaps of good luck for 5th october.. i very much hope all will be good news…
on the subject of self worth…. when did your way of thinking of vanity enter your life? did it happen as a little girl?
got to be some thing in your childhood that was maybe a ‘thing’ not to be so called conceited. we are all fragile when little and believe every thing our parents pumped into us… whether they were right or wrong.
so just you go to the shop and buy yourself a decent bag of ego and a smidgeon of conceit and use a handfull daily!!!! Hugs to you…
Hey…just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you, Clint, Abbie & Meggie, and praying for the best for all of you. If you need me, you know how to get in touch with me. We need a road trip…BADLY! Lotsa hugs!