Less Lisa

It’s late.  I’m tired.  But I had the urge to post.  I have just completed day 4 of tracking my calories.  I feel rejuvinated.  I feel focused.  I feel success coming once again. 

!#$@#%% REMOVING JINX I JUST PUT ON MYSELF #%@$%@#$%@#$%

Tonight as I replayed The Biggest Loser on the DVR I feel the motivation again.  I have to keep myself surrounded with weight loss…with motivation…with inspiration.  When the show was over, I looked at the clock…10:50 p.m.  I unconsciously let out this huge sigh of relief, and the reason?  I had just realized I made it through one more tough day of keeping my calories in check.  One more day of success. 

I succeeded…one more day.  What more could I ask of myself?

Alrighty.  Where do I start.  First, Clint is feeling better.  The pain in his right side has subsided.  That’s a positive thing.  We’re still praying for no cancer, but we won’t know for sure until October 5th.  Just over a week more.  Foods don’t seem to be bothering him at this point which is nice.  And the flu that hit him is gone as well.  I dont’ even think I wrote about that, but long story short, as soon as the medicines he was taking that were making him horribly sick were gone, the flu hit him.  Poor man…he’s so skinny right now.  But we’re staying positive and hoping for the best possible outcome next Thursday.

So, me.  I’m not so good to myself.  As Elizabeth told me, typical mom and wife, everyone else is my main focus before myself.  And it’s the complete truth.  I have, however, begun counting my calories.  There’s a new system huh?  I truthfully have never, in all the time I have worked to lose weight, just simply counted calories.  I have tried different diets, formulas, etc. and never once tried something as simple as counting my calories. 

Thing is, it must work.  When you figure calculations on how much you need to exercise to lose weight, it’s factored on how many calories you take in VS. how many you burn.  Makes sense, so I’m running with it.  I have put *some* focus on me and started thinking of myself just a teensy bit throughout the day to make myself feel worth the effort.

I don’t feel worth the effort and I’m trying hard to change that.  I don’t think I give myself enough credit and I’m trying to change that also.  Thing is, I don’t know how to like myself without feeling as though it’s conceit.  I want to feel confident, but I don’t want to be (no offense to anyone reading this) one of the flirty cutesy girls.  That’s just not me.  I’m not a ‘draw attention to me, please’ kinda people and I’m scared crapless that when the weight comes off even more than it already has, and I have confidence in myself (man would that be wonderful and odd all at once) attention might be drawn to me.  And that statement in itself says ‘conceit’ to me…I don’t know how to balance it all while still thinking that I’m worth it all. 

It’s so easy for me to tell other people that they are SO worth all of what they put into something, and it’s totally unheard of for me to believe it when I hear it from someone else.  Like the latest before/during pictures that I posted.  I STILL do not believe that the difference is that tremendous.  What’s in my head is, ‘yeah, in the picture it seems like there’s a major change, but it must just be a decent picture, because in real-life the change is NOT that great’…

I swear I’m gonna end up a skeleton with skin and still think, ‘Crap I’ve lost all but my bones, and it’s still not enough…I still see the fat and flaws’…How do you heal yourself mentally???

Yesterday I mentioned how he and I both felt so ‘calm’ on Tuesday.  Yesterday, early on, pretty much the same.  There were a bit of nerves but more just anxious to get him to the Dr. and see what he had to say.  Here’s the deal (so far)…

Seems in his ER report of the CT scan results, they listed ‘Cancer’ pretty clearly.  Thing is, things just don’t add up.  First, he DOES have a ‘little’ diverticulitis on his left side, but not enough to concern us or to have symptoms like he does.  Second, the right side where all of his pain is, is definitely NOT diverticulitis.  The Dr. said that most of the upper colon is inflamed and he’s very unsure of what would be causing this. 

What I didn’t want to mention early on, was the mention to us of Cancer.  The ER dr. told us that is what they are fearing at this point.  Clint’s Dr. last night said, and I quote ‘Something doesn’t smell right’…yes, Clint showered before he went in.  What he meant was, Clint is only 32 years old.  He’s a VERY healthy man.  He doesn’t smoke, only drinks socially (we’re talking less than once a month) he’s not overweight, he’s not sedentary in any sense of the word…it just doesn’t add up.  I realize that doesn’t mean it’s impossible for there to be cancer in such a young healthy man, but at this point, his Dr. doesn’t want to buy that diagnosis.  Our next step right now is the colonoscopy and we have to wait to hear from the Dr. that will perform that to find out when it’s scheduled for.

One other thing that the Dr. mentioned last night was Clint’s liver.  When we were at the ER they told us there were ’spots’ on his colon that showed on the CT scan.  Now his Dr. yesterday told us there were spots on his liver.  ER never ONCE mentioned Clint’s liver.  So there’s another thing we’re unsure of.

I didn’t go with Clint to the Dr. yesterday, and I feel like the ‘mom’ in me is taking over and I want to call his Dr. office and make sure they put an ‘URGENT’ on his colonoscopy (or ‘Ass-camera’ as my brother lovingly refers to it…HA).  But that just makes Clint nervous and the last thing he needs is a nagging wife making us look crazy to the Dr. office…oh well.  So for now, I’m trying to be rational, and patient. 

In between bouts of sobbing, I am trying to remain calm and strong, and keep all of this from the girls until we know for sure.  Abbie knows what cancer is and what it can do.  Not something I even want to burden her mind with until we know for sure what’s going on.  I just keep reminding her and Megan everyday to keep daddy in their prayers for him to get healthy and strong again.

I’m sorry these past few entries are not the norm, but like I said before, there’s nothing right now that we can do except pray, and what better way to get more and more prayers for my special man, than to put it out here…Thank you all for that.

Clint’s Dr. appt. is tonight at 4:15 p.m.  I will update any further news after that, but I wanted to send out a huge thank you to every single one of you who said a prayer or even just thought about us.

Monday was hell…I had a horrible day even trying to concentrate at work.  Both of the girls were here with me, and Abbie, my oldest, has always had this ‘thing’ about her.  She knows things…she senses things…since she could talk it’s happened.  We haven’t said a thing to her about Clint except for the infection he’s got in his colon at this point.  She was standing by me on Monday and goes ‘I feel like God’s trying to tell me something…like something’s not right’…and I lost it all over again. 

Jump to yesterday and Clint and I both had this complete sense of ‘calm’.  What a switch from Monday.  It’s strange, but a total and complete feeling of calm.  I know it’s from the prayers and I just have this positive feeling now that it’s all going to be ok. 

So I thank you all once again for the prayers and thoughts, as they truly are working!  I will update more later when and if we know more.

This isn’t going to be a typical ‘me’ post.  Things are bad.  Seriously.  I took Clint to the emergency room on Saturday morning about 6:00 a.m. because he was in horrible pain on his right side and very nauseus, so we went to the hospital under the assumption that he had appendicitis…the ER dr. even thought so before we did tests.  He had bloodwork done, X-rays, and a CT scan before they ruled out appendicitis.  He has been, for now, diagnosed with diverticulitis, but the ER dr. nor do we believe that is what is going on, as other things were found on the CT scan.  I really don’t want to go into any more specifics or details until we have a colonoscopy done, nor do I think I can sit here and talk about it anymore right now, as this weekend has been hell on us. 

 I just need to beg of each of you for prayers sent up for Clint.  I can’t even express to you how much we need them right now.  Whatever you can, whatever your beliefs…prayers, positive thoughts & vibes…I dont’ care…ANYTHING that is positive for Clint, is more than simply needed right now. 

There is a regular post below this one for today, but after I got Mary’s comment, I HAD to get these up…drum roll please………………………………the freakin’ built-in we designed and built!!!!!!!  Finally…I think we did this back in March?!?!?!  Here’s the pictures!!!

First one here is before we got the new TV….this is our old TV and we had already given away our old tv cabinet, so we had our TV on the coffee table…plus you can see how big and bare the wall was before we did the built-in:

Here is the same coffee table with the new TV on it (Watching Finding Nemo…LOL):       

Here is the beginning of the construction of the new wall:

 

 

      

More construction:

 

 

      

Putting up the bead board on the back wall:

 

 

      

Here I had started to paint everything:

 

 

      

Here is the finished wall.  This is before the CD racks went in.  The tall empty shelves on either side of the TV are for CD’s…we bought cheap wire cd racks from walmart and built these spaces large enough to hold two racks, one on top of the other:

 

 

      

Here is the wall finished with the CD racks in and full of CD’s.  Under the TV are the two spaces for DVD, DVR, VCR, and stereo thing.  The two holes under that are actually now drawers that hold all of our DVD’s.  I don’t have a picture of the drawers in, but they are just white simple-face drawers with wide horizontal brushed silver handles.  You can see most of our DVD’s here on the shelves on the right, those shelves now hold some decorative pieces (vases, milk glass & pictures):

 

 

   So now I have a ton of plain black picture frames that I got from LTD awhile back, and I’m going to get photos of all of my family and make them black and white, and frame them to have all black and white photos displayed here on this wall.  Clint also put in 2 plugs, one at each end of the mantel and I have 2 small brushed silver lamps that have a dark red square shade on each that really set the wall off.  I have the plugs for the lamps and also now to decorate with twinkle lights at Christmas time…I cannot WAIT to get my Willow Tree Angels Nativity set up there this Christmas!!!  

  

Forgive me, dear readers, for I have crapped out.

Short and sweet version?  I haven’t worked out in over a week.  That is crap.  My eating?  While not following any sort of organized plan, I have seen my once wonderful portion sizes grow larger, and my healthy food choices become un-healthy. 

My solution?

I kicked myself in the ass today and got myself motivated.  I have regrouped, replanned and am ready to face it all.  I still do not know where my scale is (love, love, LOVE my husband for this) but I FEEL blah, bigger, bloated.  And even though my clothes are still all fitting fine and mostly looser than they used to, I know it’s time to kick it back into high gear.

I’m not going to go into any long drawn out details on my eating plan at this point, but the basics of it is, WW Points with SBD foods.  Make sense?  I won’t be able to eat as much because the point value on most SBD foods will be a bit higher, but I need to re-train myself on portion sizes and that sort of thing, so it’s a good switch.

My exercise is all laid out (well actually stuck to the fridge) and ready for me to DO THIS once again.  I hate these ‘lulls’ in my activity / diet because it makes me feel as though I’ve failed and have to re-start, and that’s SO not what’s going on here. 

I never failed, I never gave up, I just lost track of the tiny details that truly make my success work.  I’ve noted the details and am running with it.

Today has just been gut-wrenching.  BOTH of my girls are now officially in school.  Abbie started 2nd grade this morning and Megan started Pre-School (her school calls it ‘Beginners’ school)…

Abbie did wonderful.  She got up, got all ready in the outfit she’s had picked out since the day we bought it, we did her nails last night to match, and she got on the bus.  Megan got all ready this morning, also with nails done last night to match and we went out to wait for the bus with Abbie.  As soon as Abbie was on the bus Meggie and I jumped in the car and headed to Abbie’s school to meet her there and take her to her class.  We had a huge ordeal this year, as the ONE teacher I didn’t want Abbie to get, she got.  This lady is nasty.  She SCREAMS at the kids so loudly that they can hear her on the 1st floor.  (She’s upstairs, and not near any stairwells, mind you…plus I know a couple of things out of school about her as well)…so I called the principal and had her classroom changed, so I went there today to also make sure that that was all taken care of.  Everything went smoothly and Abbie was so excited.

We left there and took Meggie to her new school.  It’s a private Christian school, the same place Abbie did pre-school and Kindergarten as well, because our public school doesn’t have full-day kindergarten…anyways, we got there and Meggie was all excited, got in her room and hung up her bookbag and lunch box, and headed over to her desk, and she was still good and smiling…got her crayons out to color a picture her teacher gave her, and she asked me to stay with her and color.  I told her I could only stay for a minute because I had to get to work…I watched her for a few, and then told her I had to go…that’s when the little lip started quivering…ugh…it was everything I had in me not to break down and cry, because I knew that would make it worse on her…so I told her I loved her, hugged her and walked out.  I know from working at a Day Care, it’s better to just leave them and let them get adjusted rather than being the mom that hangs around for over an hour letting the kids cling to her and cry…I just wanted to get it over with and have her start adjusting and getting on with her day.

So, like a good mom, I walked out into the hallway, THEN I lost it…how many calories does ‘SOBBING’ burn?!?!?!  Ok, it wasn’t THAT dramatic…but I was upset…I could hear her crying in her room…it was awful.  I told the lady in the office that I would be calling to check on her.  I just called (it’s about 2 hours later) and her teacher is keeping her very active and keeping her mind off of it.  She’s had a couple of times where she starts to get sad, they get her into doing something else and she’s fine then.  The lady in the office said she hasn’t heard her cry at all this morning…it’s such a relief.  I’m just all ‘knots-in-my-stomach’ feeling today…all you moms & dads know what I mean I’m sure…

In the midst of all this emotional-wreck, you know what I’m craving???  A WALK.  The whole ‘run to food’ kinda deal is so behind me now.  I love that I cope with things is so many other ways now besides food.  I literally want to just walk and walk.  Of course I came in late today to work and it’s raining, so a walk at lunch time isn’t going to happen, but still…

I don’t feel like running to food….I feel like running.

My very legitimate reason for not posting yesterday???  Lack of ability for movement.  Kidding.  Damn was I sore yesterday.  I was tough girl on Tuesday after the ab workout Monday night.  I was a bit sorer (is that a word??) as the night went on Tuesday, but I went ahead and…get this…repeated the whole freaking workout yet again…and by the middle of night Tuesday, trying to roll over in bed ended up being nothing but a hugely loud painful GROAN. 

Last night?  Officially my rest night of the week.  I couldn’t do that to my body yet again.  Today I still feel my muscles in my tummy yelling at me…what the hell do they expect?  They can’t get all fit and ripped just hanging around like they do…they gotta put some effort into it…So tonight I’m back at it…

I know, I need to post pictures and updates about the latest road trip…You all know by now, it’ll be awhile…I will make it more of a priority…I love to post new pics…one thing that holds me back is the pictures of me that were taken (and probably will NOT get posted) look horrible compared to the comparison shot I posted a couple of weeks ago…kinda makes it look like I have taken a step back…so not the case.  But the pictures are horrible…I hate my picture taken anyways and these just don’t show my progress in the least.

So, today I come here with good news   The ’self-esteem-boosting-I’m-really-not-in-that-bad-of-shape-after-all’ kinda news.  Over the weekend, we took a full day to do school shopping for both of the girls.  One stop we made is to the fantastic Target.  I heart Target.  After getting on my knees and bowing to the ‘price-cut Gods’ I got up and purchased a lovely 5 lb. medicine ball for only $9.00!!!!  People, these thing run anywhere from $20.00 - $30.00 EASILY…I got it for 9 bucks.  9 FREAKING BUCKS.  Yes, I’m excited.  But, that’s not the best part…

I have mentioned here before that my neighbor is a body builder.  Not competitive-like, but he’s at the gym every single day without fail.  He helps to train others at the gym, which most end up hating him because of the pain he causes the day after his workouts.  So last night I called him and told him I got the medicine ball and wanted to see if he would show me how to use the thing. 

When he showed up, I was in the shop doing my pre-boxing workout (the arm circles, pole twists, etc.) and he gets the ball and goes, “You have a weight bench in the basement, right?” I reluctantly said ‘yeah’, in a ‘what the frig have I gotten myself into’ kinda tone.  So he and I went to the house, down to the basement and did a workout.

He had me do 3 sets of the following:

We put the weight bench on a decline, I hooked my legs under the leg lifts bar (attached to our bench is a padded bar doo-hicky that you place the plate-weights on and do leg lifts) as to hold myself still.  As I sat on the bench, he stood in front of me about 5 foot away and would throw the medicine ball (5 lbs. remember) above my head, I had to reach up, catch the ball, keeping my hands above my head, I had to lower my upper body all the way down the declined bench, come back up immediately and toss the ball back to him.  We did this 10 times. Next, he stood to my right, I sat upright on the bench with my legs still hooked, and he would throw the ball to me, I caught it in front, twisted fully at my waist to the left and came back throwing the ball back at him.  Again we did this 10 times, and then repeated that from my left side.  On sets 2 and 3, we did 15 reps on each thing.

Now, why I’m excited???  Not only do I think I completely SUCK at anything abs-wise, I was able to do every single thing he wanted me to do, as fast as he wanted me to do it.  I could tell that he was surprised that I kept up…like he thought it was going to kill me…it certainly didn’t.   

He told me that there was a minister and some other guy at the gym (both in very good shape and the one guy does ALOT with ab workouts) and they both did this exact workout with a 6 lb. medicine ball, and the next day neither could move and were not happy with my neighbor.  Thing is, today???  I feel NOTHING.  It didn’t make me sore in the least.  My butt and legs are sore from holding myself steady with my legs over the doo-hicky, but my stomach just feels like it was worked, not sore and can’t move.  (ok, I take that back, I was just telling my mom about the workout and as I was mimicking what he had me doing, I could feel a tinge of soreness in my lower tummy…still moving though!!!)  We went over to the neighbors last night to sit on their deck for a bit, and he commented to me what good shape I was in to be able to keep up and do that whole routine the very first time, when I specifically told him I suck at ab work.  He told me I was in good shape.  ME.  in good shape.  Do you know what that felt like?  I couldn’t have been happier if I was actually at my goal weight. I felt like I was glowing. 

So, typical me, I’m doubting today that I even did the workout correctly.  He saw every move I made and knows I was doing correctly, and yet, to me, because I’m not very sore and was actually able to do it, I’m 2nd guessing that I even did it correctly.  On one extreme I’m so proud of myself, and yet, the other extreme I don’t think I did it right.  How could I have when someone who works out more than I do, got sore from the workout and it doesn’t seem to have phased my body other than feeling as though I got a good workout in?? 

Could it be that I’m not as bad-off as I think??  I think I need therapy.