This post may not be completely happy. Prepare yourselves.
On the diet front, I’m still doing ok. I am sticking to points, focusing more on lower-carb foods, but staying within points of course. I have gotten in some really great exercise daily. Thing is?? PCOS symptoms are worse than ever, and the scale?? It can go *BLEEEEEP* itself.
I have an appointment with my OB/GYN on May 5. I need to talk to him about my PCOS and what the frig to do about my weight. I am hoping something gives before then (weight-loss-wise) because I do not want to go back on Glucophage or any other prescription, but I guess I will just do whatever he thinks is best. My body feels so friggin out of control it’s making me just AAARRGGGHHH…PCOS sucks. Big time.
Today?? My poor daughter. I get both the girls tucked into bed, go out and sit on the couch and watch TV with Clint, and out comes Abbie. Says she needs to tell me a secret. So I lean forward looking for a fun secret like we do. She whispers to me “LITTLE BRAT WHO I WON’T REVEAL HER NAME HERE said you were fat”…I replied with a ‘WHA ???’ (She didn’t actually say “LITTLE BRAT WHO I WON’T REVEAL HER NAME HERE ” in case you didn’t get that part) She very sweetly repeated her secret again. I immediately start to get teary and asked her what did she say back to her? She said ‘nothing, but I don’t think you are, I think you’re a beautiful mom’…do I have the best kid ever or what?? I acted like it wasn’t a big deal, Abbie proceeded to tell me that that was not a nice thing for this kid to say, and she went back to bed. I sat there not knowing how to feel…I mean this DID come from another 7 year old, right?? Shouldn’t be a big deal. Still hurts. I cried, I was mad and biting the inside of my lip like I do when I don’t know what else to do…then I got so WHATEVER that I got on my shoes, and got on Lippy. The longer I went on Lippy the more I started thinking less about this horrible thing that was said about me and more about how horrible I felt that Abbie had to endure a nasty comment about her own momma that she loves so much. Why should a 7 year old have to feel the need to defend her overweight mother? How horrible is that? That is just unnecessary stress for a child to have to deal with.
I got off of Lippy and went into her room and she was just about asleep, but I told her I needed to talk to her about her secret. Through the tears, I told her that I was so sorry that she had to deal with this, and that I didn’t want to be embarassed by her own mom. You know how it is when the kids get older…they get embarrased just because you’re mom and dad…let’s add 80 lbs. to that and see what it gets ya.
She told me that she’s not embarrassed by me at all, and that I was the best mom and she didn’t think I was fat at all. Which of course, brought on more tears from me.
Tonight I hit bottom. This is the worst feeling ever. It’s not the ‘I can’t stand myself’ kind of hitting bottom. This is an ‘I need to do this for me and my family, NOW’ kinda hitting bottom. I will not be the reason for her feeling sad and hearing nasty things. Tonight I made a promise to my daughter. I told her I have already made a doctor’s appointment and that I promised her that I am going to do everything in my power to get skinny and healthy.
I have never broken a promise to my kids.
Nothing more motivating than that.