August 3rd, 2003

What’s the friggin deal?!?!?!

Lisa

3 Comments

LessLisa

What a title, huh? Here’s the deal…I got to go out with the girls tonight YES…no kids, no husband…just me, *twin* and a few girls and it was SO much fun…we met at Applebee’s (where I didn’t have ANYTHING to eat…just a SKYY blue and that was awesome)…then we went and saw ‘American Wedding’…BTW for any of you wanting to see this, it is stinking HILARIOUS!!!!! ROFL…I was cracking up…anyways back to my point here…LOL

After the movie 3 of the other girls went home, and 2 of them headed to a dance place close to where I live…I debated going, sounded like so much fun, and yet, WHERE am I???? Well, right here sitting at my computer…they are out having a ball I’m sure, and here I sit, self-concious, insecure, and just wanting to sleep it off…what the FRIG?!?!? Why in the hell can’t I get over this CRAP and get on with my life??? Why do I let my own self-image get me down so badly to where I can’t even go out and enjoy myself and just BE myself??!?!?! I feel SO angry with myself right now for not just going and having fun, and screw what everyone else thinks…ya know?!?!

Here’s what sent my night into a spiralling ball of poop…we were all sitting at the restaurant, having a ball, decided we needed to head out so we get to the movie on time, so we all stand up, and a table behind us that had 3 or 4 guys at it, I had my back to them, and all I hear is ‘Well, not THAT one’…and the laughter breaks out…now, mind you there are 6 of us at our table, the restaurant is full of other people and I have NO idea what their conversation is even ABOUT, and my friggin head automatically ASSUMES they are laughing AT ME…so from that point until the movie starts I am wishing I could be in that dark theater where no one can see anything of me except my silouhette…for a couple of hours I could be completely comfortable because no one can see me…then the movie ends…once again, I want to be IN the car and out of the crowd…how friggin messed up is that????

I’m tellin ya…nights/days like this, are what I’m on this journey for…I feel weird writing this stuff here sometimes, but it really does help ME alot…I seem to always want to post here, and only be positive in my writing…because that’s ME…I try and see the positive and not let myself get down…but lately I’m having a terrible time, in my journey, in my head, and I needed to get a struggle out in writing and hopefully it will relieve some of this…

These are good feelings in a way though, because it does keep me on track and doesn’t let me forget what I’m working for…

Mel

August 3rd, 2003 | 11:36 am |

Hugs Lisa!!

Hon, I have felt that many times. I would shy away from doing things with my kids classes because I felt embarrassed and didn’t want my kids to be embarrassed…if I felt that way about me shouldn’t they?

We are our worst demon!!

So Lisa, what I have to ask is this:

What are you going to do about it?

You have taken the first steps with working on getting more activity and getting back on plan not to mention the accountability you have shown with your blog and the groups you belong to.

BUT….what are you going to do for you? I think we get stuck in this rut of feeling completely fat and frumpy, we internalize everything. These guys were obviously of the mentality they were young hot studs and if weight is what matters to them they have a rude awakening when they meet that thin waif of a dream girl someday and they have 1-5 kids. But even IF that comment was directed at you…it WASN’T ABOUT YOU. It was about them, their own fears and inhibitions…the way they were raised…you know the saying "Some peoples kids…"

Do NOT let this get you down…you are a beautiful person inside and out(I have seen your pictures).

Have you thought about doing something each week or once a month that makes you feel good about you? My husband has been paying for me to get my nails done every 2 wks(his idea not mine) it has really made me feel good…mostly because he does it out of love for me. I was at your weight 6 mos ago and I know how you feel..but look how far you have come.

Losing the weight is not going to be what makes you feel good about you. That has to come from with in…stop abusing yourself emotionally and LIVE.

Ok, I wrote a book maybe I should have done this in email. lol I love ya…we have never met but I feel so connected to you because we have so much in common. I want you to get your self confidence back…I have only begun to work on that issue for me this past month and I tell you it makes a world of difference, and I have only lost 3 pds in that time. lol So I know it ain’t the weight making me feel wonderful.

Hugs your mouthy friend, Mel

Debs

August 3rd, 2003 | 1:35 pm |

Hey Lisa,
I wanted to leave you a comment just to say I know how you feel , I’ve been there many times myself - convinced people are laughing at me - maybe they were and maybe they weren’t. i suffered from that alot during high school which knocked my confidence a lot but I’m getting there, I knwo you will you. Just wanted to leet you know you aren’t the only one who feels like that.
take care
debs xx

Twin

August 3rd, 2003 | 5:42 pm |

Right on Mel! Everything Mel said is so true! I couldn’t have said it better. She is right. I know I just told you this last night in a conversation, but perhaps I didn’t emphasize it enough. Even after losing weight you are still the same person. I will always be who I was all those pounds ago. And you will always still be Lisa no matter what your weight. You could weigh 95 pounds and think people are talking about you. It’s your frame of mind and your self image. We each have to live and be happy and make due with ourselves and the lives God has given us. You can make the best of everyday or dwell on the crappy stuff that tries to pull you down. You are so much better then that! You can’t keep letting comments or looks ruin your wonderful times, cause I know this isn’t the first time! Besides who even knows what those dudes were talking about and who cares?? I feel bad that you went home feeling down, cheer up and think of the fun we had!!