What a title, huh? Here’s the deal…I got to go out with the girls tonight YES…no kids, no husband…just me, *twin* and a few girls and it was SO much fun…we met at Applebee’s (where I didn’t have ANYTHING to eat…just a SKYY blue and that was awesome)…then we went and saw ‘American Wedding’…BTW for any of you wanting to see this, it is stinking HILARIOUS!!!!! ROFL…I was cracking up…anyways back to my point here…LOL

After the movie 3 of the other girls went home, and 2 of them headed to a dance place close to where I live…I debated going, sounded like so much fun, and yet, WHERE am I???? Well, right here sitting at my computer…they are out having a ball I’m sure, and here I sit, self-concious, insecure, and just wanting to sleep it off…what the FRIG?!?!? Why in the hell can’t I get over this CRAP and get on with my life??? Why do I let my own self-image get me down so badly to where I can’t even go out and enjoy myself and just BE myself??!?!?! I feel SO angry with myself right now for not just going and having fun, and screw what everyone else thinks…ya know?!?!

Here’s what sent my night into a spiralling ball of poop…we were all sitting at the restaurant, having a ball, decided we needed to head out so we get to the movie on time, so we all stand up, and a table behind us that had 3 or 4 guys at it, I had my back to them, and all I hear is ‘Well, not THAT one’…and the laughter breaks out…now, mind you there are 6 of us at our table, the restaurant is full of other people and I have NO idea what their conversation is even ABOUT, and my friggin head automatically ASSUMES they are laughing AT ME…so from that point until the movie starts I am wishing I could be in that dark theater where no one can see anything of me except my silouhette…for a couple of hours I could be completely comfortable because no one can see me…then the movie ends…once again, I want to be IN the car and out of the crowd…how friggin messed up is that????

I’m tellin ya…nights/days like this, are what I’m on this journey for…I feel weird writing this stuff here sometimes, but it really does help ME alot…I seem to always want to post here, and only be positive in my writing…because that’s ME…I try and see the positive and not let myself get down…but lately I’m having a terrible time, in my journey, in my head, and I needed to get a struggle out in writing and hopefully it will relieve some of this…

These are good feelings in a way though, because it does keep me on track and doesn’t let me forget what I’m working for…