Less Lisa

I have been doing this ALOT lately…continuously thinking of the ‘me’ that ‘used to be’…complete with the way I used to carry myself, and how I would hardly EVER eat (I was so skinny…) and I was just so much more at peace with myself. I have been wanting that ‘me’ back SO badly lately…I just feel like I’m stuck and can’t get her back…

I have been doing pretty good with my eating…and I’m on the go ALOT which is really nice because it keeps me occupied…I just seem to be wanting this weight loss SO much more again lately…that’s a good thing, right??

I have also become quite the perfectionist to a point. I can’t STAND my house out of order anymore…the minute I come home, I start in the kitchen…I have been keeping my kitchen SPOTLESS…the minute a dish is dirty, it’s in the dishwasher…when it’s full, I run it…then laundry and the usual straightening…I have been doing a load of laundry per day, and I’m not having the PILES building up in ours and the kids rooms…it’s been really nice. Now…why can’t I be a perfectionist with my body??? I was thinking about this this morning, and you ever have a day when you come home and your house is totally TRASHED and you just feel overwhelmed like you don’t know where to start???

THAT is how I feel about my body…I feel like my body is so out of control from where it should be, that I don’t know where to start and I feel VERY overwhelmed with how to get it back the way it should be. I just wish that the results were faster and more positive than what I am seeing…I know that others have noticed the changes in me, but will I ever?? I have this feeling that there is ALWAYS going to be SOMETHING that I don’t like about my body…something that isn’t ever going to be good enough…what a realization huh?? I look at magazines and TV and keep thinking that THAT is what my body will look like when I get where I want to be weight-wise…and now today…realization…AIN’T gonna happen…I just want a LEAN strong body…not perfection…I want to be comfortable with me…again, I want the ‘me that used to be’ back…

I told Clint the other night, that along this journey I have definitely learned alot about myself…for example…I have realized that I am very obsessive about certain things…I can’t just do something ‘a little’…when I do something it has to be to the extreme…it’s all or nothing…when I used to smoke, it was either all the time, or not at all..and I quit cold turkey…with my eating, there doesn’t seem to be a happy medium in control…I either eat all day, or not at all…these aren’t good, and I have no clue how to find that happy medium…I just wish that I could be that obsessive about my weight lifting/exercise…I read these journals and how much they LOVE to work out, and how WONDERFUL they feel afterwards…I feel the same way…but how come I am not doing it every day??? why is it so easy to do the things your not supposed to all the time, but not the good stuff???

Wow, I’m so full of questions for myself today…lots of stuff happening lately I guess…