I don’t even know if there are any visitors here anymore (HI MELISSA!! :) ) but please stay tuned…there will be happenings soon. I can’t take this anymore and have really started to get busy, stay busy, and focus on my health.

Please don’t give up on me! I haven’t!!

Just checking in to say I’m still doing pretty well. I had a comment yesterday that someone noticed I am losing a bit. Kinda nice seeing how the scale hasn’t budged much. I do think there are inches coming off though due to walking much more.

So there really isn’t any thing new to report. I know that this site is really dull right now, but I have a feeling that will be changing soon.

Well since my last post, I have moved myself up on the priorities list, and I have made a couple of changes for the better!

As most of you know, I was walking 3 miles a day, 3-4 times per week. What you may not know is that I was driving about 7 minutes each day to meet my Aunt after she got off of work at 2:00 p.m. and the two of us would get that 3 mile walk done in about 45 minutes. It was great, but it was also not what I wanted anymore. Having to go in the middle of my day was really wearing on me. It felt more like a hassle than something I wanted to do. Also, last Monday when we walked, it was 85 degrees out at 2:00 p.m. and I overheated. I stopped sweating completely, got very sick to my stomach, had goosebumps everywhere, and my hands swelled so badly that my skin was shiny. I was scared to death.

So a couple of days later I called my aunt to talk with her about me not walking with her anymore. I feel like I deserted her, but I also felt SO relieved to make a change and do something that I wanted to do for myself, and not what was good for everyone else. So I recruited a neighbor-friend of mine, and each morning as soon as the girls get on the bus, we get our walk in! The weather is perfect that early, there is barely any traffic where we live and she’s a great walking partner, just as my aunt was! We started out with 2 miles, and she keeps a really great pace (15 minute miles). Today though, she wanted to go further, so we hit 3 miles! I am so excited that I chose this for ME. It is so great to get up in the morning, get the walks in and know I have accomplished something for the day! It really motivates me to get more done each day as well. I don’t feel like I’m dragging.

Another great change I made was also something I felt guilty about, but again had to do it for me. Last summer, I watched my cousins’ son 3-4 times per week while they worked. I love having him here and he gets along great with my girls, but it just wasn’t something I wanted to do again this year. I want the summer with just my girls. I had originally told him that I would watch his son again this year, but the more I thought about it, the more it just didn’t feel right. I finally got up the nerve to call him and let him know I changed my mind, and it just felt like such a surge of weight being lifted.

I am finally making choices that help myself and my family and people aren’t mad about that! It feels so good to do things for US instead of trying to make everyone else happy. And in the meantime, I feel more relaxed and less stressed because I’m not feeling like I need to keep everyone else happy while I’m miserable.

All of these changes have made me feel more confident and I have been in much better moods, not feeling so stressed out, and that positive outlook has returned!! I know that it is going to have an amazing impact on my health and weight. Can’t wait to see those changes!!!

This post is going to be full of confessions. It may get long. But it will explain everything from my lack of weight loss to my lack of posting.

Over the years of blogging, I have read so many other weight loss sites that all have that ‘moment’. You know, the one where they realize they are truly fat and can’t take it anymore. Their ‘bottom’, if you will.

Well, I marked today on my calendar. It wasn’t my ‘bottom’ so to speak, but it was my ‘moment’. Today the words ‘I’m fat and I run to food when I’m upset’ were uttered *gasp* out loud. This is HUGE for me. First of all, I don’t use the word ‘fat’. I don’t even allow my girls to describe people (or animals) that way. So other than in my own mind, I have never confessed these words to anyone. See, I’m a very optimistic person, and would never let anyone see any other side of me but that. While the whole time was holding in so much.

I allow myself to be put last. By me, and by everyone else. Anything and everything I would like or like to do gets scheduled (or completely removed from the schedule) around everyone and everything else. I am very convincing to everyone around me that I am fine with it. And for the most part, I truly still am. I don’t mind putting others first.

Except for when it comes to my own sanity. I decided to draw the line somewhere. I confessed to Clint today that I have to make some changes. And I need him to do the same. We are a very ‘fun’ couple. We like to pick at each other and laugh and be smart asses to each other. It’s just our humor and personalities. But I also need some approval from him. There aren’t many compliments. When there are, I cherish them. But the in-betweens, start to tear my self-esteem down.

Thing is, I shouldn’t NEED his approval. I should be happy for ME. And I haven’t been. I focused too much on him and what I was getting or not getting from HIM. That’s not fair to myself or to him.

Confession #2 – I’m a ‘closet eater’. How stupid does that sound?!? I hate for people to see me eat. Maybe it’s my own insecurities, but all I can imagine are people watching me, thinking ‘Maybe if she wouldn’t EAT she wouldn’t be so BIG’. It may not be true 100% of the time, but you also know there are those people out there.

I won’t eat a ton in front of anyone. If we have an all-day excursion, I eat like a bird in front of everyone. Then when I’m alone or home, I’m so starved by that time that I binge. And sometimes purge.

6 days ago, I lost an aunt very unexpectedly in a terrible car accident. That alone has sent me into such a spiral of emotion that I have just been out of control. My depression had seemed to sink lower, and even trying to pretend to be happy wasn’t working. I finally let myself grieve when I heard the words ‘It’s ok to cry and it’s ok to be upset’ come from Clint. One more hurdle that I am working on right now.

Things on this end aren’t so pretty at the moment. But things are also looking up. I can’t promise that I will post more often, but I’m praying that I can work on all of these emotions and problems and really pull the real me back out of all of this. I miss her.

Just here to say I’m here! I have lots of questions for you all coming soon. I feel a little lost/overwhelmed by what I should be doing right now.

I will write more soon as I can!

This place is feeling a bit abandoned, isn’t it? I am still here, still trying and best of all, I woke up this morning after a few days of the usual negative self-talk and something just clicked. Maybe it’s the sunshine outside, maybe it’s the support that Clint has shown me overwhelmingly lately, but something is beginning to shine in me.

I have to keep moving for fear of a ‘rut’, but I will update more as soon as I can! Don’t give up on me yet!!

So I don’t remember if I mentioned last week’s weigh in or not, and I’m too lazy to go back and look, so I’ll just tell you.

I chickened out, knowing that I had a gain, and used my ‘no-weigh-in’ pass. I’m talking a 4-5 lbs. gain. Was NOT ready to take that bullet.

Yesterday when I weighed in, I showed a perfect maintain. Which means my gain is completely gone. Now I’m really feeling the groove and my head is in this thing!

It affects me in so many different ways when I eat properly. I mean down to actually taking pride in my house. It makes every aspect of my life seem positive.
Loves it.

This last week and a half has been pretty tough to keep my head in the game. I have had a few days where I didn’t follow Points as close as I should have. But I have also been working out like a fiend with the weights and all. And the scale is UP. I have gained almost 4 lbs. since I started working out harder.

What makes this so difficult is, when going to WW meetings, there are no buts about it. The only thing they measure is the number. So going in there with a gain is a bit humiliating. Last week, as a matter of fact, I used my skip a weigh in pass. Just so I didn’t even have to deal with it. What am I supposed to do this week? I have to suck it up and take the hit.

I would love any input from those of you who do weight training. How long will it take working out like this before it can show positively on the scale? I’m sure it’s different for everybody, but I’m so scared that seeing no results on the scale is going to frustrate me so quickly. And I don’t want to quit.

Today was my third workout with Clint training me. It’s really going great. Monday we worked out for 35 minutes on weights and strength training and then I did Lippy on my own for a bit. Yesterday, I had a neighbor call me and wants me to go to our Community Center gym one day a week with her for the next couple of months, so I worked out there yesterday for 1-1/2 hours and then when Clint came home, he still made me stick to our workout together, so I got 2 hours of workouts in yesterday. And we just finished a 50 minute workout and it was amazing!! Boxing especially was awesome. When we came upstairs I did have to use my inhaler for the first time in awhile because it just seemed to be hard to get a deep breath, and my arms were really warm and weird feeling.

He did tell me in the beginning that I was to do what he says just like Jillian and Bob, and not give him a hard time.

I only rolled my eyes at him twice tonight.