I have been so up and down emotionally lately. Even a lady at work noticed it, although she wasn’t very ‘nice’ about asking me if I was ok. She blurted out ‘Are you MENTAL’?? So I shot back with a nasty ‘What the Hell??’ she goes ‘ you just seem happy one minute and stressed and down the next’…what a way to put it, huh?? Let me see, I have been doing the job of 2 people for the past 2 weeks while my mom has been on a much deserved vacation, things at home seem more stressful since I come home from work stressed, no time to do anything I enjoy, you name it. Right now I’m feeling it. What leads to weight gain? Yep, you guessed it… STRESS. I’m fighting a losing battle.

I am feeling so desperate about the whole weight loss thing that I actually asked Clint what he would think if my Dr. (who I see on Friday morning) would think I would be a candidate for laproscopic bypass surgery. I am seriously feeling that defeated right now. Seriously, how long can one person ‘diet’ and see very little gratifying changes?? It’s the most frustrating thing in the world. Thing is, after reading the different sites, I would have a hard time qualifying for the surgery as I am not 100 lbs. overweight anymore, and my BMI is below 40. Most places seem to have those numbers as the magic numbers to qualify. Guess I should put a positive spin on that, because before, I probably could have been an easy candidate.

And having PCOS on top of it all makes it completely impossible, I swear. I do know that I have changed my mind on the Glucophage front. I am going to BEG my doctor for it this week. I know there is no way around it now. The only reason I never wanted to take it was just because I’m not a big ‘pill’ person. Medicine just irks me that I need it. I think I try to deny the fact that there is something wrong with me and my body, and maybe if I ignore it it will fix itself or go away. It’s not happening. The glucophage will help my body with the insulin resistance, which will in turn help my body to lose weight, which is just a positive side-effect of the drug. But I have been reading more about it and seeing how so many women with PCOS are seeing reduced symptoms (hair growth slowing or disappearing considerably)…the hair growth and the weight are my two biggest hates of the PCOS. These two alone can make you feel so un-feminine, it’s not even funny. Look, I’m 6 foot tall, that already intimidates people, but, let’s add 90-some extra pounds, and now I’m just like this huge giant intimidating woman, then for shits and giggles, let’s add some HAIR to every abnormal area of the poor girls body. Yeah, that’s me in a nutshell. Sucks.

Ok. I promise no more crappy posts. This is so not like me. Right now I am seriously at my witt’s end and am not dealing with it all so well…I’ll be happy tomorrow

What a freakin’ sweet day. It’s Friday. My weight has maintained. Hoping for SOME kind of loss by Monday, but it’s the numbers aren’t climbing, so that’s always a plus!! I can tell a difference in my clothes as well. They are fitting comfortably, some so comfortably they are baggy. So at least now I know that even if the pounds aren’t changing much, the inches must be. That’s always a beautiful thing. I started this journey, (how friggin long ago???) in a TIGHT 24. I’m in a 20. Loose 20. You don’t know how much I would love to see a size 18.

Tonight…oh my goodness, tonight…we are going to pick up our new car!! Well, it’s new to us…it’s a 2005 Ford Taurus. I have never in my life liked the looks of a Taurus for some reason, they just weren’t my style. This baby is a beauty. It’s a sportier body style with a fin on the trunk. It’s a metallic light sage green color. Very Perty. I will have Clint take a picture of me with her and post it. Oh boy, another picture promise. Let’s see if I can follow through with that this time.

I hate when I post downers…few days later when things blow over, I feel like I made a bigger deal than it really was. But it was honest, and what I was feeling, and I guess that’s what this place is about.

Things have gotten much better. When I mentioned that the scale could go *BLEEP* itself in the last post, it was because it was UP 5.5 lbs. in ONE day. Yes. Five and one half pounds in ONE DAY. The good news is, since then the 5.5 has removed itself and an additional pound followed. So I was down an official 1 lb. this week, but lost 6.5 total this past week. So I’m taking it as a 1 lb. loss. I feel better now.

*Boy readers, run now* I will have my ‘time’ in about 3 days, that could have very well been the problem. Why I forget this EVERY month is beyond me. I had so many YEARS without a period, that even though I have now been regular for the past 3-1/2 years, not missing one period, I still can’t believe, and tend to forget, that I am so regular. *Boy readers may resume*

I really feel good about my eating habits this past week. I have kept my bad carbs out. I have been eating fresh fruits and veggies, lean meats, and craving eggs right now. With my PCOS symptoms, the best diet I should be on to reduce symptoms is low-carb. It has to do with my insulin-resistance. I just can’t bring myself to do low-carb completely. Yeah, I followed Atkins and lost over 20 lbs. in a month’s time, but as soon as I started to eat normally because had gotten pregnant, it came back, and fast. So I’m thinking if I watch my portion sizes, eat low-carb foods but keep the fruits and veggies coming, things are going to be good. And, so far it really seems to be a good thing.

One thing I’m having trouble with and never have before is , water. Anyone who knows me in real life knows I live on water. I can get a gallon a day in no problem. Now all of a sudden, if it’s not a glass of water for my vitamins, I don’t want it. The only way I’m getting my water these days is mixing it with Raspberry Tea Crystal Lite. NOT Raspberry Ice, just the Raspberry Tea. I’m in love with it.

Exercise and activity has been great. My house is clean, yard work is getting done, walks with the girls at night are becoming a routine (Meggie in her stroller, which she’s getting entirely too big for, and Abbie on her bike, and me following along at around 4 MPH), or Abbie and I jumping on our bikes and riding…it’s a wonderful thing.

I also got myself a pair of rollerblades. To say the least, I need practice. They are alot less scary than they look, I will say that. Once you have them all strapped on, you can’t tip over. They look as though you would just twist your ankle off. They actually feel as sturdy as the 4-wheel roller skate. I just have to keep practicing my ability to roll forward. The only place I have to practice is in the barn (well, it’s a ’shop’ now since all of the animals are gone) and it gives me plenty of room, but we concreted the floor ourselves, so there are some little hills, gritty spots, stuff like that that make it kinda hard to keep my balance, but I’m getting it. What I don’t get is how to stop the friggin things. The brake is on the heel of my right foot. Yeah. It goes something like this: After you finally get yourself moving on the skates, keep your balance as you raise the toe of your right foot to apply brake. Sounds easy enough right?? Ever try it?? Not that easy. The manual for the things even say that the brakes are meant to stop you slowly. So, needless to say, once I get going, remember it’s time to try and slow down, there’s the wall. So I’m going doorway to doorway in the barn to literally slam into (catch myself if I’m lucky) to stop myself. Nice brakes, huh? I can’t bring myself to get on the road until I learn to stop. Anyone have any experience in this area that may be able to help me? Oh and one more thing. While you’re sitting down in the chair putting on your skates, how do you get up out of the chair without any help and without your feet rolling out in front of you while your butt smacks the ground???

This post may not be completely happy. Prepare yourselves.

On the diet front, I’m still doing ok. I am sticking to points, focusing more on lower-carb foods, but staying within points of course. I have gotten in some really great exercise daily. Thing is?? PCOS symptoms are worse than ever, and the scale?? It can go *BLEEEEEP* itself.

I have an appointment with my OB/GYN on May 5. I need to talk to him about my PCOS and what the frig to do about my weight. I am hoping something gives before then (weight-loss-wise) because I do not want to go back on Glucophage or any other prescription, but I guess I will just do whatever he thinks is best. My body feels so friggin out of control it’s making me just AAARRGGGHHH…PCOS sucks. Big time.

Today?? My poor daughter. I get both the girls tucked into bed, go out and sit on the couch and watch TV with Clint, and out comes Abbie. Says she needs to tell me a secret. So I lean forward looking for a fun secret like we do. She whispers to me “LITTLE BRAT WHO I WON’T REVEAL HER NAME HERE said you were fat”…I replied with a ‘WHA ???’ (She didn’t actually say “LITTLE BRAT WHO I WON’T REVEAL HER NAME HERE ” in case you didn’t get that part) She very sweetly repeated her secret again. I immediately start to get teary and asked her what did she say back to her? She said ‘nothing, but I don’t think you are, I think you’re a beautiful mom’…do I have the best kid ever or what?? I acted like it wasn’t a big deal, Abbie proceeded to tell me that that was not a nice thing for this kid to say, and she went back to bed. I sat there not knowing how to feel…I mean this DID come from another 7 year old, right?? Shouldn’t be a big deal. Still hurts. I cried, I was mad and biting the inside of my lip like I do when I don’t know what else to do…then I got so WHATEVER that I got on my shoes, and got on Lippy. The longer I went on Lippy the more I started thinking less about this horrible thing that was said about me and more about how horrible I felt that Abbie had to endure a nasty comment about her own momma that she loves so much. Why should a 7 year old have to feel the need to defend her overweight mother? How horrible is that? That is just unnecessary stress for a child to have to deal with.

I got off of Lippy and went into her room and she was just about asleep, but I told her I needed to talk to her about her secret. Through the tears, I told her that I was so sorry that she had to deal with this, and that I didn’t want to be embarassed by her own mom. You know how it is when the kids get older…they get embarrased just because you’re mom and dad…let’s add 80 lbs. to that and see what it gets ya.

She told me that she’s not embarrassed by me at all, and that I was the best mom and she didn’t think I was fat at all. Which of course, brought on more tears from me.

Tonight I hit bottom. This is the worst feeling ever. It’s not the ‘I can’t stand myself’ kind of hitting bottom. This is an ‘I need to do this for me and my family, NOW’ kinda hitting bottom. I will not be the reason for her feeling sad and hearing nasty things. Tonight I made a promise to my daughter. I told her I have already made a doctor’s appointment and that I promised her that I am going to do everything in my power to get skinny and healthy.

I have never broken a promise to my kids.

Nothing more motivating than that.

Just a quick post with weigh-in…I may be back later with a fuller update…

I am down 3.5 lbs. this week!!! 254.5 down from 258 last week. I am holy crappa happy.

Yesterday’s Reverse Raffle that we went to was fun I’m sure I made up the lack of points this week in the alcohol consumption, but it was a blast. I chose one piece of baked chicken, 1/2 of a small potato, salad with no cheese and light dressing and one thin slice of bread for my dinner. We laughed, danced, almost got into a fight with a young kid who got ticked at us for throwing paper airplanes after the bingo / raffle drawings were over…it was quite funny as the plane skidded right across the top of his head. He didn’t take it so well. Even had the nerve to ask me how OLD I was? How dare he. We had fun regardless

So, yesterday I have no idea how I was on points.

Today, I do know. Low. Again. I’m sorry I did try today, but we weren’t home, and then when I was home I was busy…Ok…So I ended up with 20.5 points. At least I hit 20. That is 1025 calories for the day. I spent 75 minutes today with Clint cutting wood. He did all of the cutting, I did all of the hauling and stacking it in the trailer. 75 minutes. I earned 9 activity points there alone. 581 calories burned. Leaving me with a net calorie intake of 544. I don’t think these numbers are completely horrible, as they look low, but it’s only AFTER I have had my workouts or done activity. So I did give Lippy a break tonight, but only for that reason….I would have burned an additional 300-500 calories if I would have done that as well…plus I started re-decorating the girls bedroom today. For $30 I got paint and new border for their bedroom. Most of you already know they are completely horse-crazy, so I found a really pretty light pinkish/tan color paint to keep it bright and girly in there and a really great horse border to put up. So I also spent about an hour and a half today, painting. I won’t even tell you how many calories that burned, because my JENN-MOM will yell at me even more. LOL. But it does look great so far, I can’t wait to see the border up as well!! I will post *cough* pictures *cough* when it’s finished

What I AM looking forward to is tomorrow’s weigh in. Do you know it’s been 3 whole days since I have touched the scale??? I swear that is a record for me. I’m excited to see any change what-so-ever.

I feel better about myself this week. When I look in the mirror or see my reflection, I don’t cringe. I’m not picking out every stinking thing that I hate about myself when I see that reflection. That is a daily thing for me. I’m so critical of myself. I went shopping a few months ago with my cousin, and by the end of the night, I was annoying myself, even, by all the negative things I had to say about myself. I’m not nice to me.

I look forward to another week full of CONTROL. Self-control. Food-control. Weight loss-control. Nice-to-me-control. I need more of this positive feeling and more self-confidence. It’s a lovely thing.

I am feeling chatty, have alot on my mind, so pull up a chair.

A quick YAY ME. Normal day, me and Meggie @ work, then picked up Abbie from school instead of Clint because he had to work late. We met him at Bob Evans for dinner. I had only had 9 pts. before dinner, so I used 10.5 pts. at Bob Evans… Ok, so now for the YAY ME. We get home, I had a popcicle (0 pts. for 2) and sat down to watch a movie. I looked to Clint to tell me that it was ‘ok’ for me to skip Lippy just one night when I asked him if it would be a big deal if I did skip it. Of course he’s all ‘no, a night off isn’t a bad thing’…HUGE sigh of relief, because someone gave me the ‘ok’ to not HAVE to exercise. The longer I sat the more guilty I felt. I was *this close* to falling asleep and it was eating at me. I got up, stomped over to my shoes, grumbled to myself for letting my concious get the best of me….and busted ass on Lippy.

While watching the movie (28 Days, Sandra Bullock…my FAVORITE actress), completely didn’t think of time at all, kept the lights off so I couldn’t see the time on the screen on Lippy, and did 30 minutes. I burned…get this…573 calories! WOOT.

I had found before (and can’t now for the life of me) a site that mentioned that if you want to figure approx. how many calories you are eating per day while just counting points, you multiply the Points you have eaten by 50 and that is approx. how many calories. Well, for how low my points have been the past couple of days (I did miss the 20 pt. minimum today by just 0.5 pt.) multiplied that by 50, and then subtract what I have burned on Lippy and I’m just over 1200 calories TOTAL for the past 3 DAYS. That’s not good. I should be at 1000 - 1200 calories per DAY. Need to change that.

Tomorrow we have a reverse raffle. Al-kee-hol, dancing, should be fun! The alcohol may make up my calorie deficit right there…we’ll see…I should be good though…will regret it Monday morning if I don’t. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Love when the motivation lasts more than an hour. Two days now. TWO. DAYS. I feel great Pathetic, huh?

I have changed the 2nd link ^ up there ^ from the challenge page I had set up to now show my daily activity. It lists the date, my points for the day, activity points if I have earned any, and whatever exercise for the day that I accomplished. Dont’ freak when you see my points for the past 2 days. It’s been really low. I also know you’re not supposed to go under 20 points per day, so don’t yell at me. This is where my mind needs to be right now.

I have said it before, but here goes again. I’m an all-or-nothing person. If I eat, I eat. If I want to lose weight, I can’t eat. I get in a mind-set where I can control my eating. I pay attention to when I am truly hungry and I chose wisely. That is what is happening right now. I’m not hungry. When I am, I eat something sensible. I am taking full advantage of this while it lasts because I also know, too well, mind you, that there is going to be that one day of the month where I want to munch on everything in sight. Enjoying this while I can.

I am also drinking about 6-8 cups of green tea everyday lately. LOVE.IT. I started taking Dexatrim Max. Not because I want a ‘diet-drug’…not what I’m about. I was looking for just plain old Dexatrim at Wal-Mart just to help keep hunger away until my probably oversized stomach gets used to the idea of not being stretched to the max with food. Think I could find any? Nope. All there was was the Dexatrim Max, and it’s basically the same as plain old Dexatrim, but it is supposed to enhance your metabolism. I have had no nasty jitters, no weird heart beats, nothing. So for now I’m going to try and it and see if it helps the hunger. Yesterday and today so far, it’s working like a charm. Please don’t yell at me for that either.

Ok…it’s late, I’m pooped, and my alarm clock goes off WAY to early. Oh, and in case you haven’t realized, I totally suck at posting pictures here. Soon, I promise.

No. Guilt. And. Move. On.

I have been lax. Major. I gained back one pound this week. Doesn’t seem like a ton, but when you are trying to lose weight for what seems like constantly, your whole life, eternity (you get the picture), that is just one more pound you have to RE-tackle. Oh well.

What I have done to remedy it all, is I went shopping. Doesn’t shopping just fix it all?? I went to Wal-Mart last night. I got good WW-friendly foods. WW-friendly snacks. Some Smart Ones for my lunches at work. Fruit (which I’m liking less and less, as I’m craving veggies more) for some snacks. Clint and I have agreed that we are going to try one new food / recipe every week. That is awesome, as he won’t try much new at all. Last week it was Guacamole. I LOVE guacamole. That could attribute to the gain. It’s not the healthiest, but dang was it good. This week, I bought a squash, and have a simple recipe from Hungry Girl to make healthy fries from it.

I cannot get enough of Hungry Girl (The link is on the right > over there > ) There is constantly new information, recipes and healthy tips, I love visiting that site. /end plug.

I still owe you all pictures. My bad. I have them already in my computer, sized, everything, but everytime I get a chance to post here, it’s been at work. I will make the time to turn on my computer at home (which is probably going through major withdrawls by this point) and put them here. I have pictures of our wall unit we built, a couple great ones of the girls, who knows what else. I may even slip one in of myself…I’ll surprise you

I also have to work on getting the information up about the numbness in my feet from Lippy. Thank you to all of you for all of your comments and ideas on the cause of this. I found a TON of information on the net finally and am piecing it all together and will post that on my tips page, soon as I can. I want the information out there for any of you that may also be experiencing the same numbness / pain, and not that I’m glad you all are having the same trouble, but I’m very glad it’s not just me…far from it actually. I can’t believe the responses here and what I have read with sooo many people with the same troubles. I was worried I had some kind of condition, myself…so it’s actually a relief for me.

Weather. Let’s talk weather. Ohio weather especially. It. Sucks. I was ‘just’ getting the spring fever thing going on, outside daily, working on cleaning up the yard, and then what?? S-N-O-W (Shitty Nasty Old Whitestuff…hee hee). There is probably 2 inches on the ground. It was just 70 degrees the other day. I want spring weather. I want to walk at lunch-time, I want to get my bike out from the basement and go for bike rides again. Lippy is wonderful, but there is no comparison when you get outdoors!! Know what I want this year? ROLLERBLADES…yeah, I know what you’re thinking… ‘Lisa, they came out 20 years ago, hello???’…yeah, my answer?? I’m scared of them. I tried my brothers out about 10 years ago, and got on the road at my parents and thought it would be a sinch. Well, for one thing, the stopper is on the HEEL, not the toe like roller skating is, my parents paved road is one of the side roads where it’s got the small incline to the center of the road and gradually declines to allow water run-off, right?? I got to the peak of the center, and started rolling downwards towards the ditch (see where this is going???)…yeah, couldn’t stop the suckers. Wiped. Out. I couldn’t have been going 1/4 mile per hour and I swear I could hear the wind zooming by me, I was going so fast. Can’t stop. How on earth do I learn? Maybe in my basement, where no one can see me? Think so. So any rollerblading tips you all would want to share with me would be wonderful. I’m talking gear, how-to, anything! I’m gonna be all padded up like the toilet paper commercials…oh yeah…