I have been doing this ALOT lately…continuously thinking of the ‘me’ that ‘used to be’…complete with the way I used to carry myself, and how I would hardly EVER eat (I was so skinny…) and I was just so much more at peace with myself. I have been wanting that ‘me’ back SO badly lately…I just feel like I’m stuck and can’t get her back…

I have been doing pretty good with my eating…and I’m on the go ALOT which is really nice because it keeps me occupied…I just seem to be wanting this weight loss SO much more again lately…that’s a good thing, right??

I have also become quite the perfectionist to a point. I can’t STAND my house out of order anymore…the minute I come home, I start in the kitchen…I have been keeping my kitchen SPOTLESS…the minute a dish is dirty, it’s in the dishwasher…when it’s full, I run it…then laundry and the usual straightening…I have been doing a load of laundry per day, and I’m not having the PILES building up in ours and the kids rooms…it’s been really nice. Now…why can’t I be a perfectionist with my body??? I was thinking about this this morning, and you ever have a day when you come home and your house is totally TRASHED and you just feel overwhelmed like you don’t know where to start???

THAT is how I feel about my body…I feel like my body is so out of control from where it should be, that I don’t know where to start and I feel VERY overwhelmed with how to get it back the way it should be. I just wish that the results were faster and more positive than what I am seeing…I know that others have noticed the changes in me, but will I ever?? I have this feeling that there is ALWAYS going to be SOMETHING that I don’t like about my body…something that isn’t ever going to be good enough…what a realization huh?? I look at magazines and TV and keep thinking that THAT is what my body will look like when I get where I want to be weight-wise…and now today…realization…AIN’T gonna happen…I just want a LEAN strong body…not perfection…I want to be comfortable with me…again, I want the ‘me that used to be’ back…

I told Clint the other night, that along this journey I have definitely learned alot about myself…for example…I have realized that I am very obsessive about certain things…I can’t just do something ‘a little’…when I do something it has to be to the extreme…it’s all or nothing…when I used to smoke, it was either all the time, or not at all..and I quit cold turkey…with my eating, there doesn’t seem to be a happy medium in control…I either eat all day, or not at all…these aren’t good, and I have no clue how to find that happy medium…I just wish that I could be that obsessive about my weight lifting/exercise…I read these journals and how much they LOVE to work out, and how WONDERFUL they feel afterwards…I feel the same way…but how come I am not doing it every day??? why is it so easy to do the things your not supposed to all the time, but not the good stuff???

Wow, I’m so full of questions for myself today…lots of stuff happening lately I guess…

Ya’ll are gonna smack me, but I didn’t weigh in this morning…truthfully, I forgot to…but…after my last posts here, that is a GOOD thing…hahah…even though it’s my weigh-in day, I have already gotten myself to stop stepping on the scale everyday, today included…hahah..DUH…oh well…I haven’t been on the scale in probably 3 or 4 days…that’s a RECORD for me…I think while I’m sleeping at night someone sticks magnets to my feet, and they are completely drawn to the scale first thing in the morning, so this has been a nice little hurdle I conquered this week I may weigh-in tomorrow morning and then I’ll let ya know what I see

I am feeling SO positive again with my journey…just takes me a few days to get out of my funk, and I’m back at it full swing…SO…I just finished emptying out my fridge, shelves and all and scrubbed it down completely…now I’m working on my floors, kitchen and bathrooms…I’m a busy girl today Just sat down to have some chicken noodle soup for lunch, and I’m off again

I didn’t even realize till last night that it’s been almost a month since I updated my main LessLisa site with my weigh-ins and whatevers…I have been such a slacker on that page Need to get back into that also

I haven’t got much to ramble about today if you couldn’t tell…I just wanted to update you on my weigh-in today I will be back later or tomorrow Busy busy and need to keep moving

Well, now that we aren’t so worried about Miss Meggie…things are getting back to normal, and that includes my eating…

Clint and I were heading to bed last night, and I climbed in bed, he headed for the bathroom, and when he came out and got in bed, he said ‘I hate that scale sometimes’…(I have a Tanita with the body fat % on it)…and I asked him why and he goes ‘cuz it shows me at ### (don’t want to post his weight…he’s worse than a girl with that…but it was about 3 lbs. higher) and my body fat % is down to 26%’…after I finish GAGGING…hahahahaha…I told him it’s because muscle weighs more than fat…then I got to thinking…yeah, I know … ‘here we go’….hahaha…

He has been working so much on a porch he’s been building with my cousins, and I have noticed a change in his body already just from the time he’s put in on that…I WANT to start weight-lifting again and see that change!! I had my mind so set AGAINST the weight lifting because it was discouraging that I wasn’t seeing the scale move downward…as I built muscle, the inches were literally falling off of me, but the scale wouldn’t budge or would go up a pound or two…But, what I do know is once that stall in the beginning is over, the weight WILL fall off too, and even continue to help my body burn fat ALL day…I realized today (yeah, after what, 2 YEARS of doing WW between pregnancies) that I want not only a THIN body but I want a STRONG body…Even with the weight I have already lost, my body, in no way, shape, or form, is STRONG. Every part of me still wiggles where it shouldn’t…and another thing is, Megan is already weaning herself from nursing…I dont’ want them babies to look like pancakes either (believe me, I have been FLASHED by my 95 year old Great Aunt before, it’s not pretty…seriously…) I have been praying for God to give me back my motivation, and the willpower to get myself going again…and this morning all of a sudden I have this urgency to do the weights again…I think it’s what I need to do…

So, after that said, here’s my problem with all that…When I see a gain on the scale, not only do *I* feel let down, I feel like everyone out there reading this and watching my progress thinks ‘oh man, here goes another one who’s gonna fail’ whenever they see a small gain posted…I just want to be sure that you all understand what I’m going to be doing, and there is going to be some ups and down on the scale for awhile, but be sure to check my measurements chart once in awhile too, as I will take them at least once a month to see the changes (Yes, I AM trying to talk myself into this mindset too…LOL) Anyways, even though I’m doing this change for ME, I still feel like it’s also out here for all of you to see to motivate you also…so I don’t want to let you down…just bear with the first couple of weeks with me, and we’ll all see the inches falling off me again hahahah…So basically, to sum this post up…SCREW THE SCALE…I’m gonna watch my inches and sizes go down

I think that’s about it for me for today…I have some work I need to finish up Have a great one!!! I hope you all are doing great…I will be around to my ‘dailies’ soon…I haven’t had time to visit hardly at all (((HUGS))) to ya’s all!!!!!

I’m SO sorry that it’s taken me so long to update…this weekend (starting Thursday) has been hectic, as you can imagine. I do want to thank ALL of you who have tagged/commented/e-mailed/called me…your thoughts and prayers mean more to me than you can imagine

So, after the emergency room trip on Thursday, I was really nervous all night, worried that the spells might worsen while she was sleeping…but she did just fine I got up Friday and they were happening very frequently, so I was on the phone ALL morning trying to get hold of the Pediatric Neurologist at Rainbows Babies and Childrens Hospital in Cleveland. They FINALLY got back to me and had set us up for an appointment at 2:00 pm. that day So, once again, I packed up, left work, picked up Abbie from Pre-school, headed home to pick up all of the paperwork that I had already had filled out for Megan’s original appointment to this Neurologist in June, and grabbed us some snacks, just in case. The ER told us we would have the EEG done, and possibly a CAT scan while we were there, so I was ready for a long haul…

We got to the Neurologists, and she came in and talked to us finally. I told her everything that has been going on with Megan, and she checked her out…she definitely agreed with the Pediatrician that Megan IS behind developmentally in her large motor skills because she was a preemie. She is not as strong as she should be. Her muscle tone is very low. She doesn’t stand and hold her own weight hardly at ALL…she will sit on her own for a few seconds which is good/normal but when the dr. had her sit, then laid her forward onto her legs, Megan doesn’t even TRY to sit herself back up…she just lays there…so there were a few things that she noticed that she is behind on. So, since she wasn’t having any of the episodes there while I was holding her, I put her in her infant seat so the dr. could see what was going on. After seeing her have a couple sitting there she was a bit relieved, and told me that she is NOT ruling out seizures, but she thinks what this is, is ‘Self-Stimulatory Behavior’. Basically what that means is because Megan’s large motor skills are behind, we need to treat her in that respect as a 6-1/2 month old. So, because her BRAIN and thinking and small motor skills are like an 8 month old (where it should be), and her body is responding as a 6 month old, it completely frustrates her. She thinks she can do things, because her brain tells her she can, but her body won’t allow her to. This frustrates her (she even growls, which I knew was frustration, but I didn’t know from what) and her shaking her head and arms as she does is her own way of getting out the frustration. She said you wouldn’t believe the weird *stuff* she has seen kids do when they don’t know how else to get out frustration…It is still scaring me, but after seeing a specialist I am a *bit* more relieved. She also did say that if it was a seizure, when I talk to her or touch her she wouldn’t come out of it, but she does. I can gently touch her cheek to get her attention, and she will stop. So, it still could be very minor seizures, but we won’t know for sure until we take her for an EEG in about 2 weeks. We have to plan on being in the hospital with her for 2 days to have that done. They want to video-monitor so many episodes, and then they will let us go.

I’m SOOO sorry for the HUGE update…geeesh…LOL…but our prayers so far have truly been answered…things are DEFINITELY getting back to normal for us now. Clint and I have been spending even MORE time with her the past 2 days now really working with her. So hopefully we can make her a bit stronger too by making sure we do even more than normal with her. Thanks again for all your prayers!!!!! You all are so wonderful to have *around* me….((((HUGS)))))

Whatever you believe, whatever feels best for you, whether it be saying a prayer for us, to just keeping us in your thoughts, I need to ask that you do this for Megan. Today we had to rush her to the ER, because it seems she is having seizures Long story short (it’s late and I’m whooped) she has started to sporadically shake. Her head will wobble back and forth as if she’s saying ‘no’ but you can tell it’s an uncontrollable thing…not like a ‘oooh , mommy, this looks cool’ kinda thing…ya know when you see an old person that their head wobbles this way uncontrollably? That’s what Megan is doing. Then the arm started. Her right arm has begun to flail uncontrollably also. from her elbow down will move in a way that she smacks herself in her chest repeatedly. The head shakes and the hand will only last a couple of seconds, then it’s gone. Today, these ‘episodes’ were off and on, every few minutes for a total of about 40 minutes when she finally fell asleep on me. Before she fell asleep, the episodes seemed to get a bit worse to the point where even her eyes looked different. Kind of ‘dazed’…so, ER did tests everything came back just fine. We have to get her to a neurologist ASAP and they do and EEG?? is that right?? where they put the little sticky things on her head and watch her brain activity. So, anyways, she’s sleeping just peaceful as can be in her bed for the night now, and I’m just praying that tomorrow is a better day. I just wanted to post here, as there is nothing we can do right now for her, except document what we see her doing and what is happening when she starts this, and PRAY. The BEST thing for her now is as many prayers as possible to get her through this and that it turns out to be nothing serious. I can handle medication for her, whatever it takes to make my girl better…just so she’s BETTER…thank you ALL so much!!!!

P.S. Julie, *twin* if you read this, I will call you tomorrow sometime!! I wanted to let you know tonight, but it was SO late (((HUGS)))

My mom is on vacation this week and next, so I’m in the office both weeks EVERYDAY with both kids…Abbie has pre-school on M-W-F but it’s been very tiring…I usually am only in the office on M-W-F and work from home on Tues & Wed…you wouldn’t think 2 more days would make that much difference…LOL…So, anyways, that’s the reason that my site isn’t back to it’s normal self yet…I still have a few links, graphics, and other things that need fixing…so I will get to that as soon as I possibly can

Things are going really well on my end, although the scale hasn’t been budging yet this week I am hoping it’s just my body adjusting to the new points range…we’ll see on Sunday

OH!!!!!!!! I have to post this…haha…I went to wal-mart yesterday after work, and just *thought* I would look and see if they had any decent shorts that I like, since they NEVER have any styles that I like there…well, lo and behold, I find a really cute pair of khaki/tan shorts with a cute buckle, cute pockets and all…so I grab them, and guess what size they are?!?!?!? 18!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAHOOOOOo….this surprised the CRUD outta me cuz like I said, scale isn’t my friend and moving lately..I haven’t taken my measurements in FOREVER though, so that could be the reason for the drop in size…I started out in a TIGHT 24, and lookie me now hahahahha…I was SOOOOOO freakin excited I know that clothes sizes are always different depending on who they are made by..but WHO CARES…something that *I* own, actually has the number 1-8 on it, and FITS!!!!!! hahahahahha…

I’m FINALLY getting over being sick…I’m still blah, but the worst is definitely over. Anyone keeping up with American Idol?!?!?! I was so sad to see Kimberly go last night, but those three are ALL very awesome, and I hated to see any of them go…as long as Rueben wins, it’s all good I voted for him 4 times this week

Oh, since most of my most recent entries are gone, I wanted to post this link again just in case you weren’t able to see the pictures And, I just checked them, and I guess they aren’t uploaded again yet…LOL…I will get them uploaded when I get home, and update this post so that you can see them

Hope you all are doing just wonderful!!!!!!!!

Well, my whole site got lost, and I have lost ALL of my entries except for what is before sometime in March… Sorry I’m working on getting my site back to how it’s supposed to look, so bear with the fixin’ up with me if ya would…

Just testing for you Lisa! )